It took me many years to realize this, but… life isn’t easy.
It’s not that I was walking around going “la di la di la” before, it’s just that I never sat down and thought “yup, this is what life is” and shrugged and got on with doing what had to be done.
I questioned. I ranted. I complained, and good grief, can I complain (in my family, I think it’s an Olympic sport). I worried, and judged myself as lesser because I let myself get tangled up in the emotions and angst of being alive.
I’d get angry, and explode in frustration, because this particular life of mine is NOT what I see on tv, or read in books, or see the Joneses down the street having. I felt like ” have-not” in a world of “haves”.
I didn’t want to deal with my alphabet soup of problems-problems with Adolescence, Barf, or Car- all the way to Health or Money or Zits, or get another call from school, or hear that this child or that child was upset, and it was “all your fault, Mom!!” I didn’t want to look at myself, and see the extra 30+ pounds I’m carrying around.
I certainly didn’t want to sit down and brood about it. But somehow, that’s what I’d always find myself doing at 2 am in the morning, and wondering what I had done wrong, that my life was so HARD.
But, here’s the thing… I’ve dealt with worse, and come out on the other side. So have “the Joneses” of the world. Worrying about not having a job hasn’t made a job magically appear. Worrying about my kids hasn’t improved their grades or made school any less frustrating. Worrying sure as heck hasn’t taken off the 30 extra pounds.
So… for the last six months, while I’ve been unemployed, I’ve been avoiding fussing about the “hard stuff”. I redefined the “hard stuff”. I slapped a definition on frustration, and worry, and ripping myself up, and called it all “hard stuff” instead. I opted out of making myself crazy with angst, and chose to see it all as part of living. Not easy, not hard, just…life.
So I’ve been getting up every single day, and living life one step at a time- that’s given me positive experiences. Sitting down, and writing about the craziness that happens every day in my life, and seeing the funniness of it (have you ever tried to clean a litter box with an audience of three cats???), that’s made me happier and a more cheerful person. Knitting and felting and other craftsy nonsense may have saved a few lives in this house a couple of times. Because I’m choosing, as best I can, to substitute something positive for the negative that threatens to fester in the back of my mind if I give it a toe hold.
Has it made a difference?
Do I have a job? Nope.
Do I still get calls from school and crabby kids? Yep.
Have I lost that 30 pounds? Hah. Not a chance.
Am I okay with it? Not 100%. Not even close. But, I’m trying to not let it rule my life. I chose not to explode at my poor Hubby this morning simply because the cat peed on the rug. I chose not to vent my frustration in an ugly, cruel manner simply because I thought “my life is HARD”.
Life isn’t easy. No one’s life is. That’s the nature of living. And I can be sad and worry, or I can step up and smile and see the good around me. I just have to make that choice. And I’m trying to, every day.
Wish me luck.